While I was at one of the local Home Depot’s, a rather loud and frustrated 40-something mother was standing over her toddler exclaiming, “Jeffrey, take the petunia out of your nose right now!” After careful consideration, I am absolutely sure that when she was her former 22 year old nubile self, she never pictured those words coming out of her mouth. Less than three minutes later she slapped his hand viciously and shouted, “I told you not to eat the ‘MOO-NURE’!”
Now THAT got my attention. I walked over to the giant aisle filled with row upon row of compost and rotted manure pallets – my personal gardening Mecca. With choirs singing and a golden halo surrounding the pallet, I discovered MOO-NURE. Pause here for crescendo.
MOO-NURE is a creatively packaged purple bag of rotted cow poop. No kidding. There’s a rather large photo of a very happy black and white cow on the bag. Yes, I said happy. She’s actually looking out of the corner of her eye in a provocative way; a cow supermodel declaring her poo-confidence.
The label announces that MOO-NURE is 100% Organic Compost with Cow Manure. Words float across the purple and white plastic which tantalize me. Like, “clay breaker,” “excellent rich soil amendment,” “retains moisture,” “mild manure suitable for all flowers.” I read the nitrogen content and my eyebrows raise up so high they touch my hairline.
Quickly I reach for the other composted manure bags – the one’s that are less beautiful and not so happy. They have virtually no nitrogen, yet, in my opinion these sorry non-purple packages are singularly responsible for the miracle Hydrangea growth I have seen in my perennial beds. I frown and thinking carefully, then put two and two together. The secret in my garden has always been rotted cow manure. This lovely purple bag is filled with SUPER-POO, I might even add, happy poo. My garden deserves happy poo, I’m convinced of it.
With a sparkle in my eye and a racing heart, I realize I must have this for my garden! It is remarkable! It is amazing! It is purple! It is poop! Faster than you can say “pee-you” I have heaved five of the 25 pound bags onto my bright orange mega-center cart and raced for the cash register.
With receipt waving in my hand, I run to my car through the maze of flowers and clunk over water hoses with my heavily laden cart. As I reach the car I see Jeffrey and his mother. She’s strapping him into the family van in between increasingly large Jeffrey-screeches. “Jeffrey,” I shout, “you’re a genius!!”
His mother shoots me a vicious, might I say hateful, look. But Jeffrey, of course, smiles at me as I dash by. I smile back and laugh because he’s holding an orange sucker in one hand, which has attached to the hair on the side of his head. His cheeks are covered with a loud brown smear of compost – I’m certain it’s the MOO-NURE.
I drive off feeling satisfied and excited at the thought of the garden waiting for me at home. I’m sure you’ll say I’m a victim of the marketing executives – the “man” has triumphed because I have fallen prey to a smiling cow. Indeed, it is true. I am weak and cannot resist the power of super-poo. The MOO-NURE has been the best rotted manure I have ever used in my garden. It’s the best! My garden is happy now, and I know all is right with the world.
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