I am honored to welcome two authors who also happen to be my hilarious friends, Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb, to The Casual Gardener. You see, these fabulous ladies are respectively running for President and Vice President of the United States and are touring blogs all across the United States discussing their strategy and hopes for the future.
Since they have done me the honor of nominating me as their Secretary of Agriculture, I felt an interview was in order. Here are the candidates talking shop with my fans and gardeners in a tongue-in-cheek interview that I wish all senior representatives of the United States might have in the backyards of America with the gardening masses.
Piper Bayard, 2012 Presidential Candidate
Welcome to The Casual Gardener!!!
Our friend, Jenny Hansen, expressed it perfectly, “I’m soooo excited at the prospect of getting ‘A Pair’ in the White House.”
Piper and Kristen, let us get started by giving my readers and the people of the United States an idea of where you stand on some big issues related to gardening and urban agriculture. Tell us your opinions and do not hold back!
1. How will your administration help Americans who want to grow their own food to feed their families?
We will promote neighborhood gardens so that those people who are able and willing to grow their own food can do so. We will also expand local County Extension Offices to provide education for people who want to learn to grow their own food in containers or in their yards.
To help those who are not able or willing to grow their own food, but who want healthier food, we will offer tax breaks and cookies for Farmers Markets, and no tax breaks or cookies for the Big Food Industry, which wouldn’t care if it poisoned us all as long as it got our money while we were dying.
2. How will your administration deal with the growing scarcity of water, particularly in the West?
Where Piper grew up, they had a particularly effective way of dealing with the scarcity of water. If you overtly waste water, like letting your irrigation water fill the bar ditches, you could expect a visit from your neighbors with their shotguns. Generally, people didn’t waste water twice.
While the farmers were the most obvious if they wasted water, water conservation was just a part of the culture…. Turn off the water while you’re brushing your teeth. Pull your car into your yard if you’re going to wash it. Water your gardens and lawns at night…. Communities can save a considerable amount of water by taking simple steps such as these and making them habits. We will do what we can to educate people and promote good water conservation habits.
3. Will your administration promote the keeping of chickens in residential areas to assist people with lost or lowered incomes?
We would support the husbandry of up to three chickens per single family residence, along with a limited number of goats and other small farm animals. Trust Piper. More than three chickens per family is a major pain in the touchas, from the bugs they carry to the noise and pollution they create. In fact, if Piper has to hold one more chicken upside down by the feet to be sprayed for bugs in this lifetime, she might end up going vegan.
4. It is proven that GMO plants are showing up in areas up to 30 miles away from test fields. What will your administration do to protect non-GMO plants and food sources?
It’s come to our attention that some GMOs incorporate human genes. We believe that eating any substance containing human genes is a form of cannibalism and to be strongly punished by law.
Regarding the polluting of neighboring farms, companies like Monsanto currently have the upper hand. As it is now, when farmers use seeds that have been contaminated by GMOs, the company that made the GMOs can sue them for patent infringement.
Let me restate that, because it’s mind-boggling how much power Monsanto and other seed companies have…. Field GMO pollinates Field Non-GMO, turning Non-GMO’s Agri-babies into GMOs. The company that made the GMO now gets to sue the farmers if those farmers plant the contaminated Agri-babies. Yes. Monsanto has actually done this to farmers whose crops were ruined by wafting GMO strains.
As far as we’re concerned, this is a travesty of justice. If GMOs are planted at all, it should only be done in isolated spaces or greenhouses. Any farmers whose crops are contaminated will not only be immune from lawsuits from the GMO manufacturers, they will be allowed to sue those companies for the loss of the integrity of their own crops.
5. What should we do with neighbors who are stealing vegetables from a family or community garden?
Anyone caught molesting vegetables in a community garden will first have to apologize to the vegetables. Then, they will be put to work picking weeds and hauling fertilizer until they have paid off the value of the violated veggies, with interest. They will subsequently be put into stocks and forced to watch other people eat and make yummy noises. After the meal, people will be allowed to throw their trash at the violators. The event will end with the violators cleaning up after the party.
6. Does your administration plan to rein in Big Food and encourage organic, healthy living? If so, what is that plan?
We will make Big Food be far more explicit with its labels. They will have to state that “natural flavorings” is, in reality, the anal glands of beavers, and that L-cysteine (found in bagels and breads) is derived from dead people’s hair.
We will also require Big Food products to bear warning labels similar to the ones found on cigarettes. For example, a package of high-test cookies would carry the warning, “Consumption of these cookies has been proven to expand your a$$ by three sizes. It will also give you high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, rotting teeth, bad breath, ill temper and all manner of undiagnosable maladies. The long-term affects of consumption of this product are job loss, obesity, and depression because you won’t be able to find anyone who wants to have sex with you.”
If an honest label doesn’t encourage people toward organic, healthy living, nothing will.
7. Will you continue to have a vegetable garden on the White House lawn after your administration comes into office?
Absolutely, and we will incorporate this into our Congressional Management Program. Instead of Congressmen having their pissing contests on Capital Hill to prove which of them is most manly (regardless of gender) we will have them participate in a cucumber growing contest. Once they have harvested their cucumbers, they will be allowed to ask permission to take the floor. They will then display their cucumbers and measure them. The congressmen with the longest, thickest cucumbers will be permitted to introduce legislation. However, if that legislation turns out to be loaded with pork, said congressmen will be escorted to the kitchens to learn salad making techniques with Lorena Bobbitt.
It has been an honor to visit with you here today, Shawna. Thank you for hosting this Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Stop.
If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Stop, please contact Piper at email@example.com. We would love to come chat with you.
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Good heavens ladies, thank you for visiting the blog today, you have certainly stated your opinions in full color.
Readers – what are your opinions on some of these issues? Serious or tongue-in-cheek answers – bring them on – the candidates are here to listen and comment. Please leave comments below and tell the stunning pair your opinions and if the Bayard/Lamb team can count on your vote in 2012.
To learn more about the Bayard/Lamb running campaign, please go HERE.